I miss the nights (way past my bedtime), when I’d journal ’til the crack of dawn. Those were the nights I had my most profound thoughts, fueled by an unquenchable zeal for life. I miss the nights I fiercely typed away at my laptop, hours upon hours, riding the momentum of my ceaselessly working mind. I miss the blithe nature of my spirit – when I didn’t let people’s opinions distort my self perception, when I didn’t allow my soul to become numb and jaded, when I let my voice be heard.
But I gave into the lies of the enemy. No longer did I feel the freedom to express and be; rather, I sank deep into a chasm of my worst fears and insecurities. Innumerably I tried to convince myself that this was just a passing season in my life. “I’ll stay in this place just a moment longer, just a moment longer“, I would tell myself every single day.
But as days turned into months, my identity shifted from daughter of The Most High to prisoner of war. Rather than embracing the person God created me to be, I tried to morph into the people society told me to be. I began to speak and act in a way foreign to myself. I feared that I wasn’t good enough, worthy enough.
When I initially realized how hard I’d fallen, I reacted by trying to further withdraw, ignoring the growing conviction that maybe I needed God. The conviction only continued to grow and naw at my heart. I couldn’t ignore the glaring fact that God was calling me to Him. He knew me by my name (Exodus 33:17, John 10:3,27, Isaiah 43:1). Retrospectively, I know now that the conviction is not a “maybe I need God”; it’s a definite “I NEED GOD“. I have purpose and reason to live out life zealously and confidently the way God intended for me to live for Him.
So, I’m going to choose to live for Christ. I’m going to choose to broaden my scope to what it means to live for Christ. Life is not meant to waste on the opinions of people because at the end of the journey, it will be God who makes the final judgment, not all of the people that ever had a say about my character or my life.
I am not a prisoner of war. I am free because Christ died to pay for my ransom. My soul is free. I am FREE. I’ve lived years of my life with this conviction and I can’t continue to ignore it just because it doesn’t fit the mold of worldly purpose. All of Jesus’ confidants pursued Christ whilst being persecuted. They stuck it out until the end because they knew exactly who they were and who it was they served. They had an unequivocal purpose and reason to live out a truly zealous, devoted life for Christ.
Hence, I pray that I too can live boldly and faithfully. I pray I can pursue a life transformed by Christ regardless of what people may think. I’ve allowed my fear to limit my life, but the time is now. Being a Christian isn’t determined by my own terms or feelings. It’s not a “I choose to live my own life Monday – Friday and follow Christ on Sundays”. It’s not a “I’ll see you when I’m not busy”.
Pursuing Christ in a Christ-less world is an uphill battle – a spiritual warfare against evil: an evil that can be sly, manipulative, and sometimes even charming. This may seem discouraging, but the fact of the matter is, Christ has already claimed victory over the battle. No matter how difficult the battle becomes, His grace is sufficient and will always claim victory.
I no longer have reason to live in fear because when I am weak, then I am strong.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-11